I sit here in my favorite cafe in Wudaokou staring rather blankly at my computer screen and typing words that I feel completely separated from. Why? I just finished signing up for my Spring '09 courses at U of I...my last semester of classes. And after signing up for the semester, I submitted my Intent to Graduate in Spring 2009. Intent to Graduate...WHAT??? I can't possibly be about to graduate. I'm not smart enough. I'm not old enough. I haven't learned enough. I'm not ready enough. I sit in this cafe feeling extremely small...much more like a lost, uneducated 12 year-old girl than a confident, soon-to-graduate 21 year-old young lady. I look around and find no familiar faces. I close my eyes and listen to the numerous different languages that I don't know. What am I doing with myself? A question I'm sure you've often found yourself asking. Yet as I sit here dry-mouthed with shaking hands and a racing heart, I find myself smiling. There's something beautiful about the unplanned; something perfect about throwing oneself into the unknown. For those of you who know me well, the thought of me delighting in NOT having plans probably comes as a slight shock to you. Afterall, I did have most of my life planned at about the age of 11 with charts and success sheets depicting a more intricate picture of the rest of my future added at about 16. It's funny. In the midst of my planning and organizing, I discover my future utterly unplanned. But instead of finding myself in a state of panic, I find myself in a state of calm, a nervous calm but calm nonetheless. I rest easy, or at least somewhat easier, knowing that despite my lack of plans there is some greater, grander plan that I'm unable to see; something better, more beautiful, and more worthy than anything I could ever ask for or imagine. So I continue to sit here, shaking and small, and drink my coffee, looking to the future not with worry but with the excitement that comes with seeing a promise fulfilled.
I love you all dearly. Your prayers, support, and love mean more to me than I could ever put into words.
May His Glory and Honor Be Portrayed Through Us All Today,
Kendall
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3 comments:
That's funny. I feel like that everyday. I wonder when we actually grow up? Hmm...I can't wait to see you in 16 days! Take care of yourself. Love ya!
You never cease to amaze me, Miss Kash. I would be having a break down but you are just hunky-dorey. Not fair. Love you and can't wait to see you!
Oh..by the way. That last one was me. Silly classroom stuff.
Kris
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